Welcome to my Online Home!

Purpose/Principles/Values
I feel strongly that MLK day is underused and shows a lack of appreciation for the importance of education about the current state of diversity issues... I believe a powerful MLK day at NCSSM that can be used as a model for other high schools is something I can help make happen that would be movement building.

Vision/Success/Mission
Develop NCSSM's 2008 MLK day to be not just history, but creation of dialogue about the intersections of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, and other ISMs founded on race-aware staff and student feedback and priciples of dismantling oppression.

Brainstorm
Much of this has already been done for the basics... see the history section.  Still need to brainstorm with a group at NCSSM.

Organize
Not there yet!  Gotta do more meetings...

Next Actions
W/F hearing back re: meetings from Letita and Dr. Barber

History:
When I started my previous job as Student Life Instructor and Service Learning Coordinator at the North Carolina School of Science and Math, I made an early call to Mandy Carter (who rocks) at Southerners on New Ground, asking how I could help as a volunteer for SONG. I feel lucky to have met Mandy in a number of contexts when I was an ally at Public Allies, North Carolina (class of '04! Shout outs to staff: Cal, Amoke, Dionysios and Dan), like when she was part of an inspiring panel on heterosexism with a number of other awesome folks. At any rate, as part of that conversation, I offered a number of random skills and asked questions about what SONG was doing. Turns out a pet project of Mandy's at the time was to get Brother Outsider: The Life of Bayard Rustin shown at high schools... heck, I lived and worked at a high school! The gist of the project was to incorporate the movie into MLK days at high schools in the south region. The reason? Bayard Rustin was many things, including an incredible quaker pacifist, the chief organizer of the march on Washington where Dr. MLK delivered the "I have a Dream" speach, a long-time civil rights activist and organizer, and an out, gay Black man. Because of that, while he was a key player in many, many civil rights struggles around labor and race, he frequently played a backstage role to other leaders. His sexual orientation was used as a tool to discredit the movement... his story weaves sexual orientation and race together powerfully to give a deeper picture of civil rights besides just "race." By showing the movie at high schools, it begins to weave an awareness of the interrelatedness of civil rights issues. Showing it is super strategic! By playing my part to try to get it shown, I was excited to be part of an organized and strategic effort in the region. Mandy really gave me an opportunity to feel like part of a movement. In 2007, MLK day was put together for perhaps the first time with choices - movies like The Color of Fear and Brother Outsider were shown as part of the official programming of the day, as well as facillitated activities by student leadership. That year, I designed a survey to measure student feedback about the different events, divided by race and gender identification. It could use some clean up, but it was the first measurement of student interest in MLK day activities to date (for those interested, see the overall results and the spreadsheet breakdowns by program). What rocked was that we were giving choices to students, and that went over Very well (which we had the data to demonstrate, as well). In conversations with Letita (who, again, rocks and is inspiring to me), we both felt energy from the movie initiatives and the very positive shifts in MLK day presentation still has room to grow to be more inline with the non-stereotyped vision of Dr. King, including his stances on labor and militarism. So this coming year, I'm hoping to support the school from the community in developing MLK day even more - with choices for students that acknowledge and honor folks of various backgrounds...leaving no one feeling unmotivated or unactivated (whereas, before, white students, especially white men, felt unmotivated and unincluded in the "history lesson). NCSSM is a pretty strategic place for these kinds of changes, since it serves, in many ways, as a model school for both the region (since students come from all over the state to attend) and the nation (since it's one of the premiere public, residential high schools in the nation). Positive changes to the way dialogue is done around MLK day, changing it from one of passive hero-worship to active education, celebration, and movement building can easily make waves.

7/22/2007-I have a task to contact 5 folks to help organize early a diversity committee at NCSSM with superstar Letita Mason. I've been lazy though, and haven't done it this week because the next action of the project is intimidating to me somehow. I think it was knowing how to write a fancy, nice email... so I've changed the next action to "write 5 sentence email to 5 people to 'ping' the project. It doesn't always take perfection, just consistency. Hopefully that'll do it this week.

9/30/2007 - I've put some effort into this and organized a buncha ideas. Here's a recent email:

Letita! (Dr. Barber!)

Here's a thought on the ongoing discussions about providing award-winning, and student empowering MLK programming. I thought it would be cool to get movies and tie them with diverse speakers, too.
Since I just got back from Highlander (again, which has a STONG connection to past and current social change and civil rights), they mentioned this movie coming out describing every day social change activists and the history of civil rights in the south: http://www.milestonefilms.com/movie.php/ygtm/

Also, I personally know two Highlander co-directors who ran the youth organizing program I could ask to speak after the movie about being young and engaged. I think it would rock. :-)

Just food for thought! Some more brainstorms, given that choices went so well last time and we could build a day of activities (maybe 3/4 at a time, 2-3 groups of activities):

* Show Bayard Rustin and ask Mandy Carter (a friend of mine) to come speak about intersections of race and sexual orientation (http://www.classicdykes.com/mandy_carter.htm)

* Show Blue Eyed or Color of Fear and ask Tema Okun (and/or myself) to come speak about being white (http://www.cwsworkshop.org/resources/ARAgenda.html, http://www.pubpol.duke.edu/centers/hlp/about/faculty/okun-tema/index.htm
l)

* Show a movie on the use of Gospel/Black Spirituals to galvanize spiritual energy during civil rights, follow with Colours leading some "campfire" singing...?

* Have Durham CAN come to talk about local organizing (they're a group that organizes churches and groups to move for specific changes - they helped raise the minimum wage in Durham, for instance: http://www.durhamcan.org/

* Coordinate a number of afternoon service projects through United Way (since it's recognized as a Day of Service), and through Chasity, the new service learning coordinator.

* Have someone come (I have two contacts in mind) to talk about downtown Durham's history, Parrish street and Black Wall Street and how economies and local history impacted civil rights. Peter Coyle is in the public art department in downtown Durham and knows just about everything's that's happened in Durham with civil rights and buildings. There's also a new Parrish Street history museum that celebrates Parrish Street, and I know someone there too. (http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/2007/01/parrish.html, http://www.durhamnc.gov/departments/eed/parrish/)

I am energized about this and can help make these things happen, but I'd love to be in conversation with other folks about more ideas, too. I feel like we don't acknowledge multiple racial identities that well yet (chicano/latino, asian american, indian american, native american), the link between economics and civil rights, immigration, and some other issues that we could still delve into.

Anyway, since MLK day's on my mind ... well, a few times a week, and I've been collecting ideas (especially when I was at Highlander), I thought I'd pass them on! I wanna help make it the best, most motivating and student celebrated MLK day on record. And I really think I could help do that this year.

looking forward to it! MLK day's right around the corner, to me!
:-)

peace,mike

So hopefully we're going to meet within a week or two...

Labels: community projects, Letita Mason, MLK Day at NCSSM

7/22/07 - I emailed back and forth this week with David Chadwick, author of the biography of Shunryu Suzuki Roshi, a very well-known zen teacher (author of Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind and others), about a video I once saw at the Chapel Hill Zendo of Suzuki Roshi. Some of the video is posted online in a great interview with David that Brad Warner talked about. I'd LOVE to be able to see that video again (which has a hilarious exchange with Reb Anderson Roshi and Suzuki Roshi, as well). After going to a zen and breadmaking workshop with Ed Brown at 9th St Bakery a few months ago, I emailed him about it as well. I also emailed the presenter of the video, Taigen Dan Leighton, about two years ago. Basically, I haven't forgotten about it! :-) So the weekly check in here is that I asked David if I could help in any way getting the SFZC to release the video for we newer students who got into zen practice after Suzuki Roshi died. I offered to help video edit or design covers, whatever's in the way of it getting out. He suggested I keep pestering folks, and remembered my emails (and that of local Abbess Taitaku Pat Phelan, whom he said emailed about it as well) from two years ago to other folks. I'll keep following up every once in a while with someone new and the folks I've talked to already. So I created a 1 month from now suspended task in my electronic tickler (heh, sounds funny) to remind me to email my current list of contacts saying "hey, how cool would it be...". I can imagine many zen students wanting to have public access to this great video. I certainly do.

9/30/07
Purpose/Principles/Values
- I feel comfortable with the previous summary describing my values on this...

Vision/Success/Mission
Success looks like having a purchasable or (ideally) public video record of Shunryu Suzuki roshi. His contribution to US Zen seems too great to not offer up to be widely available.

Brainstorm
Well, I've contacted a number of teachers already about this. I already have a suspended reminder task to pop up and remind me to remind them again that I'd be willing to help.

Organize
It's organized, at this point - organic is ok on this, and what's capturable is captured.

Next Actions
Suspended email task to check in with a few folks.

Labels: community projects, Reb Anderson, Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

Cal Allen mentioned this week he wanted to start up an initiative to bring the wider alumni network back in to PANC. We've ideas (and I'm sure many other alumni do too)! He and I are going to get lunch this week to talk about it.


...which we did! I miss Cal - Cal, come over for breakfast! lol.

I'm going to see him again tomorrow for a consulting project. I'll make a "meeting note" dated tomorrow to remind me to check in about this.

Next week I hope to know more and project plan it specifically - right now, it's just to find out what Cal's got in mind and if I can do anything. I have faith in his values...

Labels: community projects, PANC Alumni, Public Allies North Carolina

As I occasionally mention, I've had the sad and meaningful experience of supporting both friends and lovers through the ongoing healing of sexual assault. I find, lately, that *I* need support as well. On a drive this week, I realized how powerful it would be to have a book of testimonials of men and women (and other genders) who have supported others through healing ... what their emotions and experiences were. I would be willing to edit a website or book to put this together... so I've added it to my projects list and I've created a next action to research books or websites already written on the subject this week. In general, I want to look into resources for secondary survivors like myself (which help us both to support assault survivors AND support ourselves... since coping with the deep hurt of a loved one is difficult in and of itself, with its own special challenges and long-term impacts).

Update
10/30/07:
I'm going to be a bit more structured with this, so will GTD Project plan this now.

Also, I've been in contact with Orange County Rape Crisis Center support group coordinator Sage (who seems to rock) about a secondary survivors group and related resources. She's going to organize one this winter (if you need contact information for that, please let me know and I'll pass on information to her). Also (again), I passed her information on to the awesome dudes at MARC - Men Against Rape Culture - who I've always had great experiences with. Come winter, we should have some great stuff going on, and I'm looking forward to that supportive time.

Since the original post, I've looked around and not found much on supporting secondary survivors like myself. What I find, I'll post.

Purpose/Principles/Values
Almost every woman I've had a close relationship with has been assaulted in one form or another, and almost exclusively by men. I believe men are hurting deeply as a culture, and manifest it either by violence themselves or having to cope with the violence of others to their loved ones. I believe if men particularly, but secondary survivors in general, had more resources around how to support the loved ones in their lives who have been impacted by sexual assault, we'd end up with a different culture where women aren't the objects of regular assault (though it certainly happens in the LGBTQ community too). This is in keeping with some principles in a great article on sexual education for men: More than a few good men: strategies for inspiring boys and young men to be allies in anti-sexist education by Jackson Katz. (which I recently passed on to some folks at the OCRCC).

Vision/Success/Mission
Success would look like some collection of resources for secondary survivors in general and men in particular in supporting themselves and their loved ones. That might be a popular book of stories... or a website... some artifact that is of benefit to many.

Brainstorm
To get there, I've got to first find out what's been done... and to be honest I've found VERY little. But in supporting myself, I'll keep looking up stuff.
I've got some relevant connections and certainly experience already, but organic and community driven is often the best way. I'll hopefully get more involved in MARC and the secondary survivors group that comes together...

Organize
This is mostly organic as an idea at this point, so the organization is just to track opportunities as they come up.

Next Actions
Few - just to suspend a reminder task to check back in about the support group as the spring comes close, and to occasionally look for resources myself (a maybe/someday online browsing task should do).

Labels: community projects, Rape of my loved one, Sexual Assault

Purpose/Principles/Values
Wanting to support explicitly anti-racist material in downtown Durham; finding out about public projects so I'm more educated.

Vision/Success/Mission
A downtown Durham that integrates interesting progressive imagery and art into its landscape

Brainstorm
So I've met with some cool folks, (as previously blogged), but right now I'm waiting on a friend to send me my notes on people... do I really want to commit to this?

Organize
Not much to organize - just keep exploring I think.

Next Actions
W/F envelope of meeting notes so I can do some follow up.

Labels: community projects, Durham, Public Art

Purpose/Principles/Values
I value my PANC experience and want similar for the program; I think PANC should do an ethical and appropriate job with key trainings, and I want to support that process. Those key trainings are also helpful for promoting program/personal change. I value certain trainings: like the personal organization, dismantling racism, dismantling heterosexism, spirituality trainings. Got to include panels that represent diverse points of view and meaningful exercises!

Vision/Success/Mission
Success would look like allies having multiple strong connections with trainers and the work being done around the area. They'd KNOW the value of PANC in terms of introducing them to leaders in the area.

Brainstorm
Stream of consciousness - hmm. Let's see. ? we've got certain people I'd love to get involved. I think starters would be to create time to come into the office to check that binder out, maybe borrow it? next actions are to decide

Some previous notes:
* training - find ways to connect w/ local resources - mailing lists - get on 3-5 mailing lists for a month, report on them....
* go to a community meeting they're not the center of?UNC thing
* contact 1 previous partner organiztaion that does similar work. Network.
* Get a class archivist - interview someone from the class!
* Network PANC tools - weave them in
* ask allies - more often, less often for trainings
* the MPC list of language?. (test raped me, etc.)
* Create PANC email list!

Organize
- done - created folder, made next actions to do...

Next Actions
- decide on trainings, get commitment/decision to PM and Buddy at PANC @home
- ? then contact trainers, etc. (after that!)

Labels: community projects, PANC Alumni

GTD Natural Planing:
Principles/Purpose/Values
to support lgbt communities & queer youth who can't find resources

Vision
a world where queer youth can find someone to talk to about sexuality quickly; more limitedly - a state where folks can find a point person or resources in their area for questions, support. Where you can see the state of NC on a map and all the queer friendly places and out people... and people know about it!

Brainstorming
hmm - ?what's already around? If I'm an lgbtq youth in NC in each county, how would I find resources?
Resources:- insideout page, phatlove...
- my relationship to spectrum - lol about 80 lgbtqa youth from all over NC seem to know me! Who would want to work with me?

Organizing
Still have lots of questions that need to be answered first before "doing" it -

@Next Actions
- email amy, insideout youth board about this project - can they house point people for each NC region?
- email spectrum point people for them to forward to SPECTRUM to enlist help - 8 people from different regions in NC to help brainstorm a project, meeting monthly, a little homework you can do over extendeds or from your house.
- then check back here again in a week!

Labels: community projects, iNSIDE oUT, NCSSM

A bit of a hiatus, but it's Sunday and I'm doing my weekly review. As part of that review, I'm aiming to do a better job of quick updates to each project I'm working on using the GTD Natural Planning stages:

GTD Natural Planning from Ready for Anything by David Allen:

1. Purpose / Guiding Principles
* Why is this being done? What would "on purpose" really mean?
* What are key standards to hold in making decisions and acting on this project? What rules do we play by?
* The purpose and principles are the guiding criteria for making decisions on a project.

2. Mission/Vision/Goal/Successful Outcome
* What would it be like if it were totally successful? How would I know?
* What would that success look like or feel like for each of the parties with an interest?

3. Brainstorming
* What are all the things that occur to me about this? What is the current reality?
* What do I know? What do I not know? What out I consider? What haven't I considered? Etc.
* Be complete, open, and nonjudgemental, and resist critical analysis.
* View from all sides.

4. Organizing
* Identify components (subprojects), sequences, and/or prorities
* Create outlines, bulleted lists, or organizing charts as needed for review and control

5. Next Actions
* Determine next actions on current independent components. (What should be done next, and who will do it?)
* If more planning is required, determine the next action to accomplish that.

If needed, shift the level of focus on the project as follows:
- if your project needs more clarity, raise the level of your focus (e.g. move from actions back to plans, plans back to brainstorming, vision back to purpose)
- If your project needs more to be happening, lower the level of your focus (e.g. move from vision to brainstorming, from plans to actions)

How much planning is required?
- If the project is off your mind, your planning is sufficient. If it's still on your mind, keep applying the model until it's clear.

I'll post my community projects here as part of my review... so here we go.

Labels: GTD, Natural Planning

A short story about energy. When I was at Highlander this weekend, I went with very LOW expectations. I was wiped out from a challenging week, emotionally and physically, and my goals were:
* show up
* go to the LGBT activity in the big tent
* enjoy myself a little, at least once

Concentrating those simple, self-sustaining goals actually got me in a great place. Since I know that when I'm not feeling well I prefer mostly solitary time, I decided to volunteer from the get-go. I committed to helping park cars in an orderly fashion, and did so from 9-1:30 or so. There was something particular about having allowed myself to "just do" that activity and already be succeeding that allowed me to loosen up and really enjoy waving cars in. I was ... well, really cute (at least for the first few hours; then I was just fairly cute).

Cars would turn the corner to see me, and I would open my arms wide like I was giving a hug to my best friend. I'd use some goofy body language to wave them on, then pretend to run from their car, in mock fright. Then, eventually, swing up beside their car and direct them to park. Folks, almost without exception, greeted me with warm laughter when I finally finished my antic, just for them.

It was pretty tiring physically in the hot sun, but also energizing. Having hundreds of folks greet me as if they were glad to see me, though I was a stranger, was encouraging. But so was just succeeding at my simple task. With that attitude, I went to the big tent, felt more social and centered, met some great folks (as previously mentioned), and went on to have a great trip, both from a personal sense and from an "organizing" sense in that I made lots of new connections and supported folks in the process.

By taking good care of myself and making achievable goals that matched my energy, I ended up surpassing my low-expectations. But I think, chances are, that if I set out to push myself to meet folks I might not have had the same experience, and might have, instead, come home tired and worn out. At least, this is often how I work. Do a few things very well, and often lots of things fall into place along side them.

Labels: fun, zen

I'm sitting on the campgrounds of the Highlander Center using a bit of my laptop battery. Beth Burch (from ASPYN, etc.) and I carpooled up together together and camped with fellow Durhamites (oops! Just moved to Hillsborough... still a Durhamite at heart) with Shannon, Danni and Mandy. Here's why the trip's rocked, and some realizations about political/personal isolation and groupthink I came to in conversation with some folks I've met here.

First, as far as the rockin' goes: Highlander's a real historic place. Highlander's been a training ground and gathering space (it's on ACRES and ACRES!) for decades, through the labor movement, civil rights, women's movement... since the 30s, this place has housed major social change work. Just standing on the ground rocks, knowing its history. And while a "headline" to the place is that it's where Rosa Parks came before she famously sat on the bus, and while it's had notaries such as MLK here (reported by NPR no less!) as well for training and organizing, it's had thousands of local organizers on every issue come through the doors as well. Folks not as well known, but powerful agents for change. There's about 1000 of us here today, folks already doing incredible things I'm sure, with more to come.

Second, it's cool to meet both elders in movement work and/or (almost always and) folks doing fascinating, essential, and diverse work currently. From immigration rights to marriage reform, from lgbt youth organizing to mountain-top removal, every topic that pops when I'm meeting folks seems so important and interconnected.

Thirdly, I'm meeting folks from Durham for the first time here in Tennessee. There's a lesson here: I need to either find the spaces in Durham that help bring folks together more closely or help organize Durham/Triangle/NC social justice gatherings every once in a while so we can all do more official check ins. Given that I feel pretty darn connected to diverse work and individuals, and that I still feel like I meet a handful of new, essential-to-the-movement and personally wonderful individuals nearly weekly, I think there may be a missing space in Durham. With Stone House becoming a reality, hopefully we can start some sort of regular gathering, check-in, and coalition building of folks doing diverse work in Durham, the Triangle and NC.

But I want to share a thought or two on isolation, as well. I've met lots of folks (fellow social justice types, friends, both..) that seem to battle with isolation and anger, especially in doing community work. In fact, often I think everyone I meet has some longing expressed one way or another. Particularly in folks that do community work, there's this real sense of frustration or isolation sometimes that seems to go hand-in-hand with caring deeply. In a conversation mostly with Alba of El Centro Hispano (a Durhamite I just met! 6 hours to meet someone 20 minutes away), we got to talking about identity and isolation. It went something like this.

After the LGBTQ meeting in the big tent Saturday, we found each other after asking a question of one of the facillitators and realized we were from the same city. Not only that, but we shared similar backgrounds, particularly in our experiences in queer circles. Both of us identified as bi/queer, but she is married to a man and I've dated almost exclusively bi or gender questioning women. We related to each other how while we're often too queer for straight folks...and internally struggle with sometimes not being "queer enough" to be accepted by the lgbtq community!

She gave another example: she's received challenge from white communities saying she's Latina... but Latina communties see her most often as "gringa." This experience of being "other," being "in the middle," being "unaccepted" by groups is a strong theme in lives of folks I know. Cal Allen, a friend of mine, has referred to it as "middle" space - something that I feel we all embody to some degree.

Whether finding the "accepting" church community, the sports bar to call home, the sense of belonging seems to be pivotal to our experience. To be known. This of course plays out in concrete, non-"psychological" ways in discrimination against groups because of a lack of belonging. But I want to focus on the experience of self-identification and the sense of belonging here... and the inherent opportunity for organizing and finding common ground.

Looking deeply during meditation, it seems that I often leave spaces I don't feel "belonging" in to seek out those that seem to "know me." The sense of looking for home is very real in my mind. Even at my dojo, I feel I belong there more than other dojos I've been too, and honestly have great thanks for that space created by Steve Sensei and other students. But I found that when I stayed there long enough, I still didn't feel like I "quite" belonged. It was better, certainly, but is there better still? What would be truly satisfying? How do you meet that sense of belonging?

Well, I guess the "trivial" answer is to accept yourself completely. But that's almost too quick and easy sounding to be worthwhile. Instead, it reminds me most of a sense of "not knowing" or "not seeking." All that seeking for home, when done in a certain way, I'm finding for myself is keeping me from finding it. I'm rambling, but let's see if I can't tie this together.

So, in conversation, I find that it's very fundamentally hard for me to listen deeply. To listen without waiting for my chance to speak. To listen without immediatly categorizing what I'm hearing into relatively neat boxes, all of which I've created through past experience. Essentially, projecting my practiced worldview onto every situation I find and every person I listen to. The compulsive wanting to "know" too quickly - know another person, know what they're saying, know how it relates to me - binds me to never see anything new, and really never to know anyone. If I'm "satisfied" quickly (whether by judging approval or disapproval), I'll not be able to listen deeply, and ultimately, deep down, not really be satisfied.

I think this is where an open, vulnerable heart and mind saves us. In conversation, perpetually holding open the space of "I might understand some, and I want to know more, but I don't think I get it" is a prerequisite for actually seeing the person in front of you and their words, ideas, feelings - and not just interacting with a quickly constructed plastic representation thereof that I "lay over" the actual, unknowable reality as a proxy for it.

Of course, from my undersatnding of one zen perspective, humans are machines built to do just that. The proxy making, and interacting with proxies, isn't going to stop anytime soon. But if I can practice being mindful enough to remind myself of the nature of that process and the ungrasped nature of the present, to bring my mind back to the openness of the situation, I can probably loosen the control of that particular delusion and might be able to really see something or someone new. And here's where the isolation, social justice and organizing potential kicks in.

What are some concrete examples of this? Well, in my mind, looking deeply moment to moment, I have found myself in this situation. Approaching or leaving my car, I may notice a person of color, probably with dark skin. Because mostly of my racial programming, the thought pops into my mind to lock my car. Recognizing the conditioned, racist thought and the process of laying meaning on this situation, I must say to myself, "hello fearful, racist mind! It is you again; it's been some time since we met so clearly. But the reality is not the plastic image you have layed over reality. That person may be a mentor for me, I do not know." But that must be balanced, appropriately, with intution. Having had too many experiences with sexual assault of friends and lovers, I would never say it is appropriate to ignore concerns completely. (Though I will say, for the record, the vast majority of folks who have sexually assualted lovers, friends and co-workers of mine have been acquaintences of theirs, not racial stereotypable folks). But, recognizing this internal representation of the external reality of locking my car, what do I do? Here's is the moment of paradox, of conflicting impulses, where I must act! In deciding what to do, as best I can, never really knowing whether I acted perfectly or not, in the midst of not-knowing I'd have to not-knowingly act as best I can. (of course, analysis helps! Having a training in how I have been conditioned, and a developed ability to dismantle racist concepts, certainly helps in those situations... which actually happen every day, since race, including my own whiteness, actually impacts every moment to moment interaction). Even if that man of color is my friend, again, particularly a man with very dark skin, thanks to my growing up in my parciularly privileged, white position receiving the messages I've received from media, family and institutions, I am unable to avoid the presence of that piece of my history and therefore the voice in my mind. While awake, it doesn't mean I am bound by that small, racist mind to act in accordance with its wishes - but it is there, nonetheless. While deluded, I am moreso unawarely racist. Looking deeply in myself, and doing a lot of personal and community work around these stereotypes, I believe these sorts of plastic, conditioned responses are in us all and may always be there. Much like other parts of my mind that Buddhism more regularly speaks of as causing suffering like anger, hatred, or greedy affection toward something or someone, prejudice and discrimination may be expected to remain in the mind forever as a small-minded voice unable to see the infinite and uncategorizable depth in each of us individually and in the human experience (and others!).

But this is true of myself, as well! I collect plastic ideas, stories of myself, and then often begin a process of finding a group that I expect or hope to "match" me exactly. But not only can I not really know the group exactly, I can't know myself exactly enough to have something to compare it too! I have prejudices and self-judgements, both "good seeming" (stories with a tone of self-esteem) and "bad seeming" (stories with a tone of self-hatred), that I often lay in place of my self. It is those things I seek to find in a group, somehow "matching" those stories and finding a sense of belonging. That would, in theory, cure my isolation.

But I feel that it is never enough, because in practice what I really want is knowing myself, knowing others, and ultimately knowing the collective "THIS" deeply and intimately. And while at first ideas of myself and others might serve as a proxy to that sense of "knowing intimately", it won't really be satisfactory in the end. Of course I do think it is important, in practice, to find folks of similar experiences - but mainly for the purposes of eventually becoming more intimate with ourselves. Sometimes folks of similar experiences have developed a language with which we may need to learn to speak to ourselves and our own experience. Sometimes folks are discriminated against collectively, and for survival come together to resist. Sometimes folks bind together in cultures to help each other with a shared language of self/other knowing. That's good!

But ultimately, it seems we're all often really not perfectly "fit in" in whatever group we're in. Part of the answer may be going to another group. But eventually, and perhaps immediately, it seems essential to bring the "not knowing" mind to ourselves and each other if we really want to reach that sense of intimacy it seems we crave.

And that process is the very approachable practices of mindfulness and meditation - just witnessing the plastic ideas that inevitably run like a stream through the mind and remaining upright with what IS. That may be with the perpetual reminder of the depth and reality of an actual, real person nearby - and not their prejudiced proxy. Or with the depth and reality of ME, unknown to me, as I sit on the cushion. With the unknowable THIS.

Of course, even if the moment of practice is never far away than the ground your standing on, for me for whatever reason it's the hardest, most frightening thing for me. Sitting on a cushion and facing the unknown, moment after moment, when my perpetually fearful mind wants to be "protected" by only interacting with the plastic, proxy world it creates, is my at my most vulnerable. And actually, it's not even "ME" sitting there, since I can't sit there upholding the last bastion of fearful, plastic stories that is my self. It must become, and perhaps has always been, just sitting - without plastic ideas of others, self, or the practice.

But consider the implications of just sitting with each other, too, in the community sense. Ultimately, we are all unknown from each other. We all seem to long for this sense of "belonging," and share that experience of never having our plastic ideas of selves and groups match up perfectly, deep down... which is often thrown in our face when some drama makes "safe" space into "unsafe space" (which therefore, GASP! was never really safe in the first place! "How could we have been misled!" our blaming mind externalizes, unaware of itself). We who have awakened to social justice might do well to remember that even the right (and left, for those that identify often with out of that spectrum entirely) feels this fundamental lack of longing, this isolation. Heterosexual, homophobic gender rules contrain us all, even straight folks - there's a beautiful poster that connects that for me - and those same rules are deeply responsible for an ever increasing tally of murdered trans folks, significant and damaging financial, family and emotional burdens through the absense of the right to marry (and often more importantly, for the thousands of insurance, end-of-life visiting rights, and financial privileges (anyone married filing jointly on taxes reading this?). Ultimately, deeply, plastic realities keep us all isolated from ourselves and injuring others.

So in thinking of belonging, yes, there is a reason to belong to a group. And no one should be able to belong to a group or self-identity that ignores other's rights - I don't have a right to belong to a group that kicks your ass, because "my rights end at your nose," as I believe Suzanne Farr said this weekend. And yes, there is a reason to seek out others of similar experiences. But a sense of "belonging" also may mean, most deeply, a longing to *be*, both without others expections, ideas, and boxes of where we fit dictating or unduely influencing our sense of self... and without our our own as well. Instead, group and individual ideas come and go, but we are always ready to go deeper, to change them, to become intimate with their forever unknown quality when it does not serve us individually or as a people.

But maybe a good first step would be for me to do some sitting before we drive back to Durham. I think I'll do that.

peace,mike

Labels: isolation, social justice, zen