On being really sick.
Apart from "ugh, this feels horrible," there's not a lot for me to DO when I feels sick. And when I've got a case of flu in the top three worst sickness of my life to date, there really nothing to do apart from wondering if I can drink water without vomiting. Well, that and think, between "ugh, this feels horrible."
So yesterday I managed to somehow get Really, really sick. I found my thoughts entertaining though, and wonder what it's like for other folks to get sick.
A part of me was concerned about becoming so sick and dehydrated than I'd have to go to the hospital in some way. After violently vomiting for the 8th time in 6 hours, clearly unable to keep water, I was, well, a bit concerned. See, I don't have insurance at this point - haven't for about 6 months now - and generally keep really healthy. I've a number of social justice minded folks that don't keep insurance, and certainly can see both sides of the issue there... but regardless, I don't. I probably could afford it... but again, I didn't have it. That reminded me of an important article on classism (a fun thought to have while vomiting) called "can't afford to get sick." I knew I'd probably skip my grad classes friday morning, reschedule hanging out with friends, and reschedule or say I can't attend the community meetings I was going to attend today. And if I had a more traditional "job", I'd probably be able to call in sick.
But not everybody can reliably do that. Some folks, especially with lower paying jobs, with no health insurance available or affordable, can't afford to get sick the way I can (and am). It's a lucky spot to be in, and I have responsibilities associated with being in that spot (this as I was dry vomiting into the toilet).
Another thought I had - isn't the body amazing!? Some of my upper core muscles actually developed cramps from all the throwing up, so that they just seized up and added to the queasiness. After vomit number 7 or so, I had this strong feeling of needing to do some full body chanting to kinda vibrate some of the tension out. I hadn't really been able to speak for hours without throwing up, but pushed through a round of "om" and "gam" for about ten minutes, then a loud chant from Ashtanga yoga, then sat on my cushion and paced a very loud and vigorous heart sutra. For me, loud chanting really vibrates my core... I threw up pretty soon after that for the last time, and have been at least able to walk around and talk yesterday. The chanting seemed to generate a dramatically different kind of energy than I had had to that point,particularly adding some specific aikido body relaxing techniques that helped concentrate the vibrating feeling in my body like really relaxing my "outside" - stuff I'm still learning myself, but specifically the idea that the outside must hold shape, but not be rigid to let ki flow out. In a less airy sounding sense, stiff muscles retard internal muscle movement flow and connectness. Just like it would be hard to breath with a stiff stomach and shoulders (or a cramped diaphragm, in my case last night), moving intentionality and muscle energy through the body to translate it into someone else takes a certain kind of relation as well. Anyway, those practices (not perfections, for me, but things I practice) were really helpful to "shake out" some of the flat-out dead feeling I had from throwing up so much.
More on the subject of the amazing-ness of the body, as well - vomiting (as well as chanting) is pretty amazing. The body really takes over and realigns the musculature to push things out. I'm pretty body aware, so my body and I had a very intentional "conversation" about me trying to breath, and it trying to vomit, using very specific tensions and relaxations to communicate. Fascinating! And Really Really crappy, but still interesting.
Also, it's nice to have friends. Steve & Jesse have both been very helpful, as has Sarah. Being sick by yourself would be much more difficult.
Also again, with the kind of sick that I was last night, I can see how a violent flu can be deadly dangerous to seniors. Doing work with aging issues this year definitely has brought that population (which I may be of someday!) to my mind more often... which is good! Until this year, when I'm sick I haven't thought about older folks and how dangerous illness can be. That's telling in a more general sense: without experience, contexts that SHOULD "ring a bell" reminding you of other people's experiences don't. If you don't have any experience with folks who have physical disabilities, you're not going to think twice or appreciate being able to do something like walk to the phone, or reach a high shelf. Knowing intimately and valuing as essential each other's experiences allows the mind to see the wider contextS (plural!) that all situations represent. A dark street is dark to me... but is moreso a dangerous, potential sexual assault context to many women. Not that it isn't dangerous to men, but that the context has a special particular meaning for many individuals from one group in a very different way to another.
And if that isn't a reason for democratic, diverse leadership, I don't know what is. A powerful, simple comic I really like had a cartooned George Bush and a bunch of men signing an abortion bad treaty. No women involved. Either that's because those men understand women's issues around abortion and choice deeply at the same level as women (doubtful), or they feel there is nothing to be gained from the perspective of those women and their perspective on abortion is enough to make a "right" decision.
And actually, I think there's a third aspect, also on my mind. I think many folks feel that situations aren't essentially experienced based on perspective, but exist inherently, instead. In essence, this is an aspect of the core Buddhist teaching of emptiness - situations (and people, things, etc) are devoid of any inherently existing "self" apart from karmically determined perception of it. Knowing this deeply, if you value the lives and experiences of others (and yourself), making good decisions means doing so in a way that accountable to the experiences (and perceptions) of many. To me, that can actually help sidestep some of the karmic conditioning of being only one person and making less than great decisions based on that. Collectivity, diversity, and valuing an intimacy with each other's experience can really can help protect all of us, to me.
Lastly, having not felt this horribly in a long time, I actually went through some significant life-review. While feeling horrible and chanting the heart sutra, I had this strong feeling of needing to recommit to my practices and training, recommit to those things I value. While distractingly sick, it would be hard to practice. As the lines in the Bodhicaryavatara say, this moment is a precious opportunity. Here as a human, particular a human with the temporary privileges of health, means to practice, enough time for meaning in my life... I would be short-sighted to put off practices I can only do when healthy, etc. One day I'll be dead - and before that I may be incapacitatingly sick as I was yesterday... or just distractingly unable to eat, queasy, light-headed, etc. as I am now. Truly, the moment of opportunity for meaningful activity when we are capable is so precious in the light of illness or other inevitable and incapaciting things.
Still sick and these things are on my still mind.
So yesterday I managed to somehow get Really, really sick. I found my thoughts entertaining though, and wonder what it's like for other folks to get sick.
A part of me was concerned about becoming so sick and dehydrated than I'd have to go to the hospital in some way. After violently vomiting for the 8th time in 6 hours, clearly unable to keep water, I was, well, a bit concerned. See, I don't have insurance at this point - haven't for about 6 months now - and generally keep really healthy. I've a number of social justice minded folks that don't keep insurance, and certainly can see both sides of the issue there... but regardless, I don't. I probably could afford it... but again, I didn't have it. That reminded me of an important article on classism (a fun thought to have while vomiting) called "can't afford to get sick." I knew I'd probably skip my grad classes friday morning, reschedule hanging out with friends, and reschedule or say I can't attend the community meetings I was going to attend today. And if I had a more traditional "job", I'd probably be able to call in sick.
But not everybody can reliably do that. Some folks, especially with lower paying jobs, with no health insurance available or affordable, can't afford to get sick the way I can (and am). It's a lucky spot to be in, and I have responsibilities associated with being in that spot (this as I was dry vomiting into the toilet).
Another thought I had - isn't the body amazing!? Some of my upper core muscles actually developed cramps from all the throwing up, so that they just seized up and added to the queasiness. After vomit number 7 or so, I had this strong feeling of needing to do some full body chanting to kinda vibrate some of the tension out. I hadn't really been able to speak for hours without throwing up, but pushed through a round of "om" and "gam" for about ten minutes, then a loud chant from Ashtanga yoga, then sat on my cushion and paced a very loud and vigorous heart sutra. For me, loud chanting really vibrates my core... I threw up pretty soon after that for the last time, and have been at least able to walk around and talk yesterday. The chanting seemed to generate a dramatically different kind of energy than I had had to that point,particularly adding some specific aikido body relaxing techniques that helped concentrate the vibrating feeling in my body like really relaxing my "outside" - stuff I'm still learning myself, but specifically the idea that the outside must hold shape, but not be rigid to let ki flow out. In a less airy sounding sense, stiff muscles retard internal muscle movement flow and connectness. Just like it would be hard to breath with a stiff stomach and shoulders (or a cramped diaphragm, in my case last night), moving intentionality and muscle energy through the body to translate it into someone else takes a certain kind of relation as well. Anyway, those practices (not perfections, for me, but things I practice) were really helpful to "shake out" some of the flat-out dead feeling I had from throwing up so much.
More on the subject of the amazing-ness of the body, as well - vomiting (as well as chanting) is pretty amazing. The body really takes over and realigns the musculature to push things out. I'm pretty body aware, so my body and I had a very intentional "conversation" about me trying to breath, and it trying to vomit, using very specific tensions and relaxations to communicate. Fascinating! And Really Really crappy, but still interesting.
Also, it's nice to have friends. Steve & Jesse have both been very helpful, as has Sarah. Being sick by yourself would be much more difficult.
Also again, with the kind of sick that I was last night, I can see how a violent flu can be deadly dangerous to seniors. Doing work with aging issues this year definitely has brought that population (which I may be of someday!) to my mind more often... which is good! Until this year, when I'm sick I haven't thought about older folks and how dangerous illness can be. That's telling in a more general sense: without experience, contexts that SHOULD "ring a bell" reminding you of other people's experiences don't. If you don't have any experience with folks who have physical disabilities, you're not going to think twice or appreciate being able to do something like walk to the phone, or reach a high shelf. Knowing intimately and valuing as essential each other's experiences allows the mind to see the wider contextS (plural!) that all situations represent. A dark street is dark to me... but is moreso a dangerous, potential sexual assault context to many women. Not that it isn't dangerous to men, but that the context has a special particular meaning for many individuals from one group in a very different way to another.
And if that isn't a reason for democratic, diverse leadership, I don't know what is. A powerful, simple comic I really like had a cartooned George Bush and a bunch of men signing an abortion bad treaty. No women involved. Either that's because those men understand women's issues around abortion and choice deeply at the same level as women (doubtful), or they feel there is nothing to be gained from the perspective of those women and their perspective on abortion is enough to make a "right" decision.
And actually, I think there's a third aspect, also on my mind. I think many folks feel that situations aren't essentially experienced based on perspective, but exist inherently, instead. In essence, this is an aspect of the core Buddhist teaching of emptiness - situations (and people, things, etc) are devoid of any inherently existing "self" apart from karmically determined perception of it. Knowing this deeply, if you value the lives and experiences of others (and yourself), making good decisions means doing so in a way that accountable to the experiences (and perceptions) of many. To me, that can actually help sidestep some of the karmic conditioning of being only one person and making less than great decisions based on that. Collectivity, diversity, and valuing an intimacy with each other's experience can really can help protect all of us, to me.
Lastly, having not felt this horribly in a long time, I actually went through some significant life-review. While feeling horrible and chanting the heart sutra, I had this strong feeling of needing to recommit to my practices and training, recommit to those things I value. While distractingly sick, it would be hard to practice. As the lines in the Bodhicaryavatara say, this moment is a precious opportunity. Here as a human, particular a human with the temporary privileges of health, means to practice, enough time for meaning in my life... I would be short-sighted to put off practices I can only do when healthy, etc. One day I'll be dead - and before that I may be incapacitatingly sick as I was yesterday... or just distractingly unable to eat, queasy, light-headed, etc. as I am now. Truly, the moment of opportunity for meaningful activity when we are capable is so precious in the light of illness or other inevitable and incapaciting things.
Still sick and these things are on my still mind.
posted by Mike Dolan Fliss at
2/22/2008 07:42:00 PM
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