My Zen Buddhist Practice

History

This isn't really me. It's just some ridiculous baby. But I dig the almost-a-mohawk. Ever since I was a teeny tot (maybe age 10-12 or so - that's not a picture of me!), I've been interested in Buddhism. Originally, I became interested in it for potential "answers" to frustrations growing up... mainly around my parent's early, messy divorce and our family culture. Over time though, I've grown to shift my interest from collecting "good ideas" from random books (like always looking for the better "idea": some new way to phrase peaceful ideas, some better statement of the essential hang-ups of dominant culture) to particular meditation and mindfulness practices. For me, I'm learning I have an inability to experience depth of practice when doing a whole lot of practices that are good in theory... and so concentrate on two.

I am not a teacher. I have not been ordained by anyone. I do not pretend to know anything that you really should listen to. I just have this life I've been witness to most of the time. I cannot even really tell whether I am witness to it, or living it in a conditioned way... the only reason I can imagine people would come to read my writings on zen is that I am sincerely trying to sincerely practice zen, with all the requisite mistakes and mistaken labels about what is a mistake and what is not. What is a mistake in practice, and what is the perfect process of practice? I don't know.

But maybe you and I can compare questions and seeming guidelines that come from experience of life or zazen or precepts, and realize the real-life process of not-knowing together! To me, that practice looks like neither pretending not to know (some kind of false humility denying the responsiblity of learning from your own experiences) or pretending to know (like some unrecognized teacher of experiences in general, or even a perfect knower of your own experiences). If you and I practicing neither pretending to know or not know, maybe we can sit down and talk! I always enjoy that! Maybe you do too!

Zazen

Deeply spiritual directions: Butt goes here. I sit zazen daily, and have been sitting more and more. My relationship to zazen has a somewhat sordid history... it's been so hyped-up in my brain after reading (too many) books that it has become intimidating and too meaningful to sit on the cushion at times. I definitely feel that in my life too much faith in a practice as an idea can becoming a stumbling block of belief, blocking the way for more practice. At least, I've experienced that with a number of parts of my life.

Because of that, I've worked to get to intimately know certain practices and move past how much of a good idea they are in theory. Zazen is one of those practices for me. I'll write more about my experiences just sitting in one place... but for now it's enough for me to say that it's a real practice, not all daisies and roses, and no different than paying attention to the habits that I am in everyday life. I'm moving away from seeing it as a means to an end... which, in the end, I find more palatable.

Precepts

I enjoy keeping the 10 Buddhist precepts a great deal, and learn a lot from trying to make meaning of them in everyday ways. That is, it's obvious what "Abstain from killing" means when people's lives are a concern... but what about animals? What about plants? What about ideas within my mind, or ideas I hear supported by others? What are the deeper pricinples and truths about not using violence to destroy what I don't like? How do these precepts really make sense in my every day life (versus some idealized life in my mind)?

I feel indebted to the precepts for so much of my insight into myself. I cannot recommend them to everyone or anyone, but I find that regularly reviewing them and following them voluntarily is so enjoyable now! I often find that without structure, learning is difficult; with nothing to hold experience up against, it can be hard for me to realize the experience.

In my practice, I've searched out various commentaries, oral and written, on the precepts. I've really benefitted from studying them. Because of that, I feel obliged to share part of that searching experience. I'm looking forward to posting various incarnations of the precepts here soon. Some of them are very challenging, and to me, must be struggled with. In my experience, I cannot pretend that their meaning can be grasped immediately; as an example, consider the Cheri Huber phrasing of #6: There are no victims or perpetrators. As someone who has dealt with a number of sexual assaults of friends and lovers close to me, that's at least a hard sell at face level, at worst incredibly offensive. Still, I feel there is great worth in treating them like questions and wrestling some.

Zen Precepts

(interpreted by Brad Warner in Hardcore Zen)

not to kill

not to steal

not to misuse sexuality ("or not to desire too much" as Nishijima likes to phrase it)

not to lie

not to cloud the mind with intoxicants

not to criticize others

not to be proud of yourself and slander others

not to covet

not to give way to anger

not to slander the Three Treasures

...and another version...

Zen Precepts

(interpreted by Cheri Huber in Good Life: A Zen precents retreat)

There is no separate self - Not to lead a harmful life nor encourage others to do so, but to live in harmony with life and the environment that sustains it

There is no scarcity of resources - Not to take what is not given, but to freely give, ask for, and accept what is needed

There is no scarcity of love - Not to commit or participate in unchaste conduct, but to give and accept affection and friendship without clinging

There is no need to hide the truth - Not to tell lies nor practice believing the fantasies of authority, but to see and act in accordance with what is

There is no need to hide from the truth - Not to use intoxicating drinks or narcotics nor assist others to do so, but to embrace all experience directly

There are no victims or prepetrators - Not to publish other people's faults, but to acknowledge responsibility for everything in my life

There are no winners or losers - Not to extol oneself and slander others, but to give my best effort and accept the results

There is nothing in my life that is not part of my spiritual training - Not to be avaricious in bestowal of the teachings, but to live an openly spiritual life

There are no mistakes - Not to be angry, but to see everything as an opportunity

There is nothing in anyone else's life that is not appropriate to their spiritual training - Not to speak ill of this religion or any other, but to encourage others to lead a spiritual life in their own way